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Have you ever been in a situation where you don’t know who you are? I am in a situation like this. I am into a situation where I am confused. I don’t know what to do with my life and I don’t know who I want to be. Let me get it clear for you. There is a difference between how people think you are and who you are really.
I have always had that feeling where I don’t get a sense of belonging no matter what situation I am in.
I grew up in a ‘normal family’. I have always got what I want from them and for that I am very grateful to god. But the only thing is that I never felt that I deserve everything that I have and I always feel that no matter what I do I am not good enough at it.
When I was nine years old, I started soccer and my friends around me always to me that I am a pretty good player. However, despite that I enjoyed playing soccer which I still do enjoy I never felt that I was good enough and I always feel that the people around me were better and they were just saying that to me just by pure politeness. However, despite this I did not stop playing but unfortunately I stopped by the age of twelve since in my country we cannot make a living out of it. So I literally gave up on it.
When I stopped soccer, I decided to do something else because I had to fill up that time gap that I had in my timetable. So, I decided to start doing boxing and again I can say that I was not mike Tyson or Ali but still I was good at it as I was able to represent my country on few occasion on an ‘international level’. I was happy I was doing it because I was able to get few free tracksuits, medals, bags and trophies. But at the age of fifteen I had a decision to make that was whether to study or to do boxing on an advanced level. So again here, I gave up on it. I couldn’t let my studies down for boxing. I was thinking about if I get injured and whether can I make a living out of it. So I gave up on it also.
I felt that sport was not suited for me. So I decided to go into something different this time that was mostly mental rather than physical. By saying that I am not saying that sports doesn’t not involve any mental part. I thought about art but I did not really feel that I have the passion and enough drive to draw and paint. So I went towards music, which I love and I am fond of until today. I chose to start learning how to play guitar. My guitar teacher was not really a guitar teacher. I know him because he lives in my neighborhood and almost every afternoon he will come to my dads restaurant, buy a couple of beers with his friends and he will start playing guitar and sing along together with them. So I said to myself that it was pretty cool and one day I approached him and asked him to teach me few chords and few songs. Without any hesitation he accepted to teach me. During the time that he would not be coming to the restaurant, I will just go to his house and ask him for more guitar lessons and to teach me new things. Most of the time I was sleeping with my guitar, as I would practice all night long. By sixteen years old, I joined a church choir and through this way I was learning new things and I met new people that gave me another perspective with music. I felt awesome and soon after I joined the choir I got the chance to join a band that was even better. I started getting to play in concerts and festivals. I started getting so many events to go and play music in that I had a lot of them to decline as I had a busy schedule. Eventually I had to quit the church choir because I had to make time for the band. I was enjoying myself pretty much. Sometimes we would have rehearsal all night long and I would come back the next day then go to school directly. However by the age of fifteen, I had to stop due to the fact that it was my last year in school and that was the year that would shape my future. It was the decisive year that would be the statement about whether to go to college or not. Here again I quit. I quit not only because of myself, it was because of my friends, family and relatives. They had great expectations concerning my future and I really did not want to disappoint them. On the other side, I quit because the people that were involved in the industry at that time were just a bunch of people where most of them were not being true to each other. In a sense I got fed up with the dirty side of the industry but nonetheless, I did not get tired of music and all the pleasure that comes with music.
After I was done with high school, I found a girlfriend and everything was going fine. I tasted the simple pleasures of life, I was having fun, I was in love and most importantly I was free. Unfortunately, I didn’t last for long and it was like a shipwreck for me. I said to myself that everything is fine and I moved on quietly. I started college. College is the time that I started thinking about what do I want to be and what is my passion. These are questions that remain without an answer until today. I realized that I got no passion for anything that comes into my life and I lack drive. I started looking at my timeline and everything that I saw was a lot of successful failures. I came to realize that everything that I do has a maximum lifetime of three years and then I let go. I felt trapped in my own thoughts.
So I decided to start writing the things that cross my mind. The thoughts that keep eating me from inside were now written down with black ink on white paper. I don’t even know whether I am doing it the right way. The only thing that I know is that I am doing something that is helping me to remove stress and the feeling of insecurity off my chess. What I write down is in a sense like my personal and intimate diary but the only thing is that I don’t really hide it or something like that. One day one of my friend found what I wrote and he asked me whether what I write are stories for kids. I remain silent but deep down of myself I was wondering whether I suck that much at writing.
Then another friend came across my story also and this time it was a girl and she told me that she enjoys reading it. And there again I was left thoughtful because one was saying its nice and the other one was saying it sucks. At the end of the day I told to myself that I was not writing my stories for anybody else but for that and myself after all we cannot please everybody. Sometimes, we have to think about ourselves first.
Now when I think about it I ask myself whether I was suffering of inferiority complex. But in my situation I should not feel like that because I have never suffered from bully and I had a happy childhood. I don’t know where did it all go wrong. Maybe it came from auto criticizing my own self in order to be able to live up to the expectations or maybe I think too much. Only god knows what is wrong with me. I know I am a really confused person and that I should appreciate what I have but I just cannot help it. Even in terms of religion I don’t think I belong anywhere. I do believe that there is a god but however I do not believe in the institution of religion because there are too much contradictions and hierarchy when it comes to that matter as I believe that everybody on this planet is equal no matter how much wealth you possess or how handsome and pretty you look like. I do think that many people think like me in that sense. More or less this is how I feel about the matter of religion anyway.
When I think about how confusing things can be I often think about what is my purpose on this planet. I wonder who would I be in the next ten years. Will I find the true love that I am looking for and who is my soul mate? So many questions popping up in my head and that remains without an answer that is satisfying for me. One thing I am sure about is that I still have not found what I am looking for. Often I really find it difficult to fight against the fact that I don’t what I want and where to go. I find it difficult to be always feeling incomplete and realizing that I got no achievements and no motivation. Where to get these things? it is only the future that can tell. But as for now my future is still in my hand and I will see where this so called beautiful journey of life will bring my surrounding and i. maybe it will be a woman or a child that will change my life because afterward the world means nothing without a woman or a girl. The trigger can also come from a career where I am able to express myself and enjoy the moment. After all it is a good thing that we always walk in the unknown because life very often brings us a lot of surprises that are good and sometimes bad. But the best that we can do as human beings is just to be optimistic and live it the way we want as we are all looking for happiness.
In a sense I tend to look about what did the great philosophers said about life. I have a lot of existentialism questions in my head. I think that writing is not only a way to express myself but it is also a way for me to ask for help to the world. Where I am I going honestly speaking I don’t know but I am dying to know where does the road leads me.